My Negotiation in BDSM

Negotiation in a BDSM scene is something I have been asked about several times. How do I do it? How does it work? What would it look like? I would love to say here you go, this is the formula for a successful negotiation and just remember to follow each step without deviation. It would be neat and easy, just bring a list of expectations and say this is what you must do. If I did that when I negotiated it would be quick fast and easy; as they ran away, probably screaming.


By personal admission I am a Sadist, Top, Dominant, bisexual, polyamorous male. I do enjoy what would be considered vanilla sexual interaction as well. That being said, where I think the negotiation first begins is with attraction. If the attraction is not mutual then nothing would happen anyway so walk away. As the saying goes, there is no use in beating a dead horse.
Next there would be a flirting and getting to know the person phase, we talk and see if we share similar likes and dislikes. A joke or saying here and there to see how the other person reacts. Eventually this can build into more daring and suggestive comments. At this point I determine are we just friends, sexy friends who can have risqué discussions or something more.
Once that threshold of something more is crossed It is time for more personal digging and discussion. Up to this point is looks like typical every day personal interactions evolving into a romantic relationship many people have. Now that that line has been crossed and it is apparent that we can be something more I seek a more private and personal interaction with the person I am interested in.
The one on one comes in various forms, from text to face to face meetings. At this juncture I ask point blank if they have other relationships, not that I mind, I just do not want to be blindsided by a jealous lover. In the same token I would let them know have a primary relationship and have no interest in replacing my primary partner. My primary partner has already been informed about the new person of interest and we have talked about the new person in some depth. At this phase I also discuss in greater depth the likes and dislikes of the person I am interested in as well as sharing my own thoughts and ideas. This is the point most people would consider the negotiation to begin, for me this has all lead up to a point where is an established base to continue from. This of course does not apply to a one-night stand or chance meeting encounter, for the most part those are rare and not the kind of dealings that are generally part of my desired interaction.
Now we have arrived at the part many think of when talking about the negotiation process. The open communication about likes, dislikes, curiosities and desires all spun around till a type of scene or relationship can be agreed on. It is a process that can go quickly or take months or longer to come to a agreed on plan.
What do you like? This question is an open-ended exploration of the other person. The answers range from an extremely specific type of engagement to I do not know, I just want to see what is out there to learn. If they know exactly what they want, and you are comfortable with it then congratulations and move to the planning phase, most often that is not the case. Then I start asking about what I like to see if there is a match. Often I will ask what do you think about (insert type of activity). I expect the yes, no or I am not sure about that, if they still are vague or say I want to try everything I get rather snarky. Everything is a huge list, from as soft and easy as petting, to hard core and full contact forced play. As I tend to be into heavy type play I say I would like to just (fill in the blank at the moment) Normally it is something on the extreme line and often they do a knee jerk oh hell no, that is not what I want to have done. If they still do not know after I have explained a few things I like, then I just walk away. I do not mind teaching or helping someone explore their boundaries but there must be a starting point.
Once there is an established set of boundaries then we set a time and place for a scene. Enjoy as many times as you both wish. Negotiation is knowing what you want and finding someone who wants the same or similar things. It can seem intimidating the first few times but after finding your own style it gets easier. Just remember, if you do not have the same likes then it probably will end in disaster. Also, if they want something you are not comfortable with then express that too, if the other person is insistent you must do or try it then excuse yourself and walk away. It is not worth putting yourself in a situation that you will regret later just to please someone new. Things can change over time as trust builds so negotiation is not just a one time thing but an ongoing process.

Never Surrender

I am pleased there is a pride month, that is wonderful and amazing. Yesterday I watched the Queen Adam Lambert Story. It really hit home as they talked about Freddie and thought it was not the main point it reminded me of the struggles the LGBT community has and, in many places, still goes through. The things we have endured to be able to publicly come together have been bittersweet victories. The lives lost and destroyed along the way were crushing soul felt blows. Safety was in our hands as we wore whistles or sound making devices just in case some group of “gay bashers” showed up and targeted us. We had to always be on our guard, careful who we told and knew we were bi or gay. It’s the 90’s in the land of BBQ, rock-in-roll and river side fun. The hand full of openly gay clubs were shut down by either police raids for acts of lude behavior or acts of violence that drove patrons away. Firebombs burned a few to the ground and parking lot beatings were not uncommon, after all we were “asking for it” by expressing our desire to openly be who we were.

Most everyone in the community was scared back then, the few that were out and open were always in danger. It was the early days of don’t ask, don’t tell for the military, a huge victory since before that anyone caught engaging in any form of homosexual behavior was kicked out of the service. Back then we did not have the LGBT movement, no laws remotely protecting us against discrimination. For those who reported being assaulted it often meant being branded or targeted. What we now call hate crimes were joked about, the victim often the “punch line” to be made fun of. That what they deserve for being deviants. Gays, bisexuals and Transgender people were grouped in with rapists and pedophiles, all equally sexually deviant according to the general public view at the time.

Back then, I was one of the loud and proud, with my multi-colored rat tail and bright colored underwear under white scrubs. I did not care what people thought and said about me behind my back, I dared them to say it too my face. Flamboyant and ostentatious were often used to describe me, I had an amazing primary male lover in my life and a couple female lovers too. It was a rolling party and the world was my oyster. I was bisexual and proud, open minded and in an open relationship; I was living the dream. Things changed and the dream turned to a nightmare, the jarring cold reality of life slapped me in the face as that relationship ended abruptly. Still loud and proud I looked for places to meet more like myself. Straight bars were good if I was looking for a woman, scoping guys was dangerous there. Gay bars, well that goes without saying except I was still too naive or stupid to hide the fact I was bi, but that is a different story for a different time.

The days of the internet had just started. Chat rooms were coming around and we had a place for anonymity and freedom. Finally, the freedom to talk about what we felt and our personal experiences. Ultimately, a place we could meet and talk about things that we wanted, there was an energy to it, a beginning of a movement. I don’t really remember when I first heard the term LGBT but it had arrived. It was still a turbulent time for anyone in the LGBT community. There were some people trying to find out who the gay or bi people were in the chat rooms. There were a few who would pose as gay or bi, “befriending” people and offering to get together for drinks. It was the new age and style of “gay bashing” as several were people were meeting up hoping to connect with an online “friend” only to be beaten or killed just for being who they were.

I had gone underground, or back in the closet, whatever you wish to call it. I had got married and had a couple kids and played the good American strait male. Not bashing but just a family man in a deep backwards southern town. I felt shame, not for being bi but for running away, I felt I had too much to lose to be engaged in the LGBT movement. It was not till two decades and two failed marriages later that I had another relationship that rekindled my bi side. I had met another like me, coy comments and double meaning phrases were passed between us before on night we found ourselves in a position we were able to take a chance and talk about the tension between us. I could say it was like coming up for air, but really it was like waking up again. Things I held back were finally able to be revisited and openly talked about. I rediscovered the LGBT community in my local area, it took a while for me to make any real connection and I do not fault them. There still are some people that want to hurt us for being open about our sexuality.

Looking back, I have great respect for those who stayed the course and kept in the fight. From Freddie who was center stage, my best friend who was able to be married in Washington DC several years ago to his wonderful partner, to the ones that attend the Pride Parades in whatever city they go to. I still stand by the thinking you do life your way and I will do it my way. I stand with pride alongside my LGBT family as we fight for our rights to be free to live without fear. I have found my voice again and am a loud and proud bi male who will never back down or surrender.

Check out who else is sharing for this #wickedwednesday

”Wicked

Magic Box

The single light beaming down into Jasmin’s face blinded her from seeing across the table. The hard metal folding chair started to feel like a torture device. Her hands cuffed to a ring under the table forced her to sit up straight as well as prevented her from resting them. The room was a touch warm but not hot enough to sweat with classical music playing in the background.  His voice was monotone as he asked the questions making her even more anxious. She knew he was watching for any tells as he asked each question on the paper before him. Starting with her name, age where she lived, he worked his way methodically down the list.

“Have you ever engaged in any unusual or deviant sexual behavior, or do you plan to in the near future?”

That question jolted her to the core. What was considered unusual or deviant? Her mind raced across the different things her lovers had done with and to her. All of it was exciting to her as she explored her sexual sides. The sudden sliding of pictures across the table made her feel even more exposed. There were images of her bound in various positions, experiencing the joy of embracing her submissive side. The sudden scraping of his chair as it was suddenly pushed back. He walked around the table, little more that a form in shadows as he walked behind her.

“Look at those pictures!” his voice a commanding snarl “Do you feel this type of behavior is appropriate?”

Jasmin shifted in her chair, her mind went back to each scene and the pleasure she got from each one shown. She could feel her nipples getting even harder, that butterfly in the pit of her stomach came alive. His hot breath on the back of her neck as he was right behind her. She began to sweat as her face flushed.

“Well, is it acceptable? Is this the kind of behavior you think is appropriate to engage in?”

“I, I enjoyed what happened in those pictures.” Jasmin stammered.

“I see.” He replied. “What part did you enjoy the most?”

Each picture showed different type scenes, each had been new to her at the time. They all were something she liked. The one in the middle though, she tried to not look directly at it. She remembered the feeling of being naked in the room, kneeling as each hand was tied to her ankle, forcing her to sit up straight and exposing her breast. The bar between her knees keeping her legs forced apart. The way his rough hands explored her body, probing her openings wile all she could do was take it. The pinch of the clams on each nipple, the cold invasion in her pussy and ass when he put the strange looking belt oh her.

“What did you enjoy the most?” he asked again

“The one in the middle.” Jasmin knew better than to lie, he would have found out anyway.

“How interesting.” He said, his voice still steady even though his breathing had sped up. “Would you like that again? To be exposed and used?”

Her voice just above a whisper as she replied “Yes”

There was no time for her to react as he uncuffed her. Jasmin could feel herself offering no resistance as he manhandled her. Being picked up and laid on the table before she was secured to it. Her legs quickly bound then her wrists tied to her ankles again. A small stand was placed under her head because it otherwise would lean off the end of the table. In just a few quick minutes Jasmin was tied to the table with the pictures under her. Their uneven feeling over the smooth surface added to her feeling exposed. Then the magic box, she could see the cold metal inserts as he walked closer, the wires attached to the box. She shuddered as he pushed them in. A final touch as he added a blindfold, she could only hear and feel everything. A click and the light pulsing began.

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Jasmin lay there as the man adjusted the dials, the speed and intensity of the little shock running into her pussy and over the clit causing them to spasm till she arched without warning. The wave of pleasure took her by surprise.

“Now it is time for you to ride the wave” he said with a sinister tone.

A tweak to the settings and Jasmin felt her whole body tense, this was beyond words. The never-ending intense peak of an orgasm. She could hear him counting but it was like a far away sound. Then a click and her body collapsed. He chuckled as she whimpered.

“I told you that I could make you experience an unrelenting orgasm.” His voice almost triumphant. “I just needed you to pick which point we would start from. Now five, four three two, one.”

A click and he turned the machine back on. Jasmin jerked and arched suddenly; the peak of pleasure rushed through her body as he left it on the setting. The world started to blur more and more the longer he left it on. Sweat covered her flesh as he watched. Her muscles tight and shaking as there was no end. He flipped the switch off, she collapsed in total exhaustion. She half expected some smoldering effect from her body as he unhooked her. Taking off the blindfold she could see his smile like a proud cat that caught the bird.

“You did great Jasmin, you made it to the two minute mark.”

“Two minutes? That was just two minutes?”

“I told you, the box is a magic time machine. Now next time we will try something a bit different” he said with a wink and looked over toward the St Andrews cross.

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Come see who else is being wicked this week

 

”Wicked
 

I think

This week’s topic is feminism, I feel like the least qualified to speak to this issue. I can say so many forms of it have been presented that is gets a bit dizzying after a while. Do I think women should vote and have the same say as men? Yes, I do. Do I think women should be paid the same as men for the same job? Definitely they should be. Do I think just because a company has reached a certain level, they should be mandates to have a woman doing a particular job? No, I do not.

I might be old fashioned, behind the times or some other team for us dinosaurs still walking. I think if a job requires a certain level of mental, physical or emotional strength it should be given to the person that is most able to do it efficiently and effectively. I believe in blind merit testing, not race, gender or orientation being allowed to influence to outcome. Does that person possess the skills, capability or strength to fill the job requirements, as they were originally written? This whole lowering the standards to fulfill some gender quota like has happened in the military is an injustice to the people that came before, especially the women. Those women that went before and earned it with their sweat, blood, tears and sometimes their life.

I will keep this brief. I am aware there are more issues at play, many more topics that feminism covers but as I said, I feel I am the least qualified to speak on this topic Women should have the right to vote. Women should have the right to work alongside men without harassment. Women should be able to do any job they are qualified for. Women should have access to the same level of medical treatment as men do. When it is all said and done, women should be able to have the same equality as men. It is past time for that to become a reality.

”Wicked
 

Truth be told

Truth be told, I despise the cold, the chill to the bone that makes me feel old

Frozen in place hands over my face, I see the scene now set in place

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Polaroids spread on the table, the rope slung high in the stable

Under the pictures a silver disk, on it written she really wanted this

The camera still on the pod as I put it in, a flicker then the show begins

Arms tied and held over her head, unkept hair draped down the head

Bedraggled locks falling over her face, pictures frozen in time locked in place

The expression torn from time, that look of anticipation or sublime

Red flesh from heavy hands show clear, his game of pleasure and fear

She was just his toy along for the ride, his canvas to display with pride

Another picture showing the thick hand, she is no match for this powerful man

Her lithe body a plaything for his desire, that look in her eyes is a burning fire

Pulled close to his face she can feel his hot breath, a kiss that is taken at his behest

She could only struggle and fight in place, he had control in this dank place

The smell of hay in the old stall she was held in, his paradise to enjoy again

A nook that opened with a flip on the latch, implements hung for use inside that

A shiver had to have run along her spine, his fingers touching her so divine

The bench perfectly set in place, bent over and fastened in the space

Shuffling around the photos seeing what was done, seeing as she came undone

The flogger licking her flesh that glowed bright, such a sweet beautiful sight

I can imagine the sounds of her gasps echoing, his work undisturbed harrowing

On her toes as her body strains and writhes, the waves of pleasure crashes and subsides

His fingers rough now explore her wetness, her face flush, her thoughts anyone guess

A thrust as she shrieks at the sudden invasion, cold floods her from his creation

Glass toy left in a bucket of cold water, to cool the heat which he brought her

Parched lips now wetted from his finger, the taste of her wetness now lingers

The straw offered tastes of sweet juice as she sips, the cold fades inside her lips

A minute for her to recoup her composure, now again his hands take over

His hands grip hard into the tender flesh, rubbing and kneading her tender ass

No warning as the implement is quickly pulled out, hollow inside as she thrashes about

She whimpers and begs for him to take her, his hand strikes hard as he spanks her

Howls and shrieks as she was unprepared, everything his plan carefully prepared

The tempo staccato as his hand works feverishly, her ache now a burning need

Begging and pleading her voice now his song as the rhythm goes along

One hand working over her bright red flesh, the over exploring her slippery wetness

Over the edge in a crashing cascade she explodes, pent up need suddenly unloads

Milking every moment of ecstasy as she shakes, his mind inventory now takes

The rope appears and is lashed around a breast, she gasps, he works fast

Then another, her breast bound as he smiles, he had a plan all the while

A clothes pin snaps and she shudders as words like smacks he utters

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Each clip fastened she arches off the bench more, now untied with feet on the floor

Again, her hands are bound over her head, he stands back as she watches in dread

Flicking and playing with the rowel on the wheel, she ached to know how it would feel

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First a special touch for his evil plan, a bar to keep her feet apart as she would stand

Exposed to him, she was totally at his mercy, her cries brought him such glee

Each breast now felt the bite of the wheel, no words for what she should feel

Now she was lost in a world so surreal, she was his toy the images revealed

A blindfold next he used to cover her eyes, now everything would be a surprise

Unable to look away as he took her like a savage man, I knew this was part of his plan

Her anticipation as his moved his things around, gaging her reaction to each sound

The sound of the blade sent a chill over her skin, his hot breath as he said shall we begin

That moan as his hand slid along her chest, his hand on her throat she leaned back to rest

Teasing her body, sliding it over her skin, the cold steel on hot flesh a gasp I took in

Sliding between her thighs as his lips caressed down her spin, he growled and said you are mine

I jumped as I saw him raise quickly, she wailed as he plunged the handle to fill her need

He invaded her with the rough handle holding the blade, that look of pleasure on display

On her toes she was primal and screaming, I could not stop watching what was streaming

Pulling the handle out he tossed it to the floor, in a single thrust she was begging for more

Savage animal lust as he painted her skin, his red prints on her breast as she was full of him

His hand on her throat as he grunted and thrust, both lost in primal lust

The crimson running down over she soft flesh, my eyes fixated on what came next

A beastly roar as he unleashed his pent-up need, she shook as he used her in his greed

Holding tight for a minute he finally relaxed, then took her down and laid her on the sack

Cuddling her his hand running through her hair, it was just the two of them without a care

As the flicker turned to static there was a shock, need took over as I shook

A shower nearby I needed to take a moment to cool down, before I headed back to town

Turning the water on it was cold as ice, I took a deep breath and washed off my vice

Truth be told I hate the cold, but the film I had just watch made me feel nothing but bold.

Come see who else is being wicked

”Wicked