BDSM and limits

The topic this week is how sexual is BDSM to you. For me this brings up so many different ideas and scenarios, thinking back over a couple decades of various kinds of scenes and categories of play. Different partners, locations and styles I have engaged in or with. At the end of the day it really is all about how far you are willing to take things. What are the things one wants to explore, are there limits that are soft and where is that do not cross line? The mind of my partner is just as sexy as their body. I enjoy sharing ideas or possible scenes and letting thoughts sink in as the anticipation grows till it is almost tangible, it is a type of foreplay for me. Negotiating a scene/relationship is something that may seem tedious but in the end it is necessary for any healthy engagement.

Several times I have been asked what are my personal limits, is there I line I will not cross. If you have been reading my blogs for a while you would know I tend to push the boundaries and can make many people uncomfortable. I will admit I get a sadistic thrill of reading how a scene sent a cold chill running down someone’s spine. I am not without personal limits though and I will share a few here.

I respectfully refuse to engage with someone that say they have no limits; everyone has something that is out of bounds for them. To hear someone say they have no limits means possibly they do not have a  understanding of the BDSM world, potentially they lack a sence of self-respect or preservation. It only takes a couple of questions to figure out which it is. With the former a little education and suddenly it turns from a kinky conversation to an explanation of things in the kink world and possibly a scene later. For the latter I suggest they find help. Some just like the idea of danger, but a few are seriously looking for harm from another. I could write a whole blog about those I have encountered that are looking for someone else to do them harm but that is not what this post is about.

Another absolute rule and definite hard limit for me is the use of alcohol or drugs before a scene. A drink or two depending of what is being consumed I might consider but when it becomes a point of impairment then I will simply walk away. If someone needs to alter their mind or lower their inhibitions to allow a scene to happen then in my humble opinion it is most likely past the comfort zone of that individual. I did not come to this personal limit arbitrarily, in fact there was a time when it did not matter either way to me. With age comes wisdom I guess, plus a couple mornings of regretting the previous nights actions. I get it, not everyone agrees on this, but it is my limit.

Consent is my last hard limit here; some would say that is an oxymoron given my proclivity toward CNC (consensual non-consensual) and RACK (Risk Assessed Consensual Kink) but there is a huge difference between consensual play seeming like it is from a non-consensual direction and actual non-consent. A CNC scene takes a lot of time, trust and effort, limits have to be discussed in detail, wants and desires need to be clear and concise. There is always, always, always a safe word that can be the fallback if things get too sideways for either party. Yes, I did just say either party, because as a responsible dominant, top, whatever you call the lead aggressor in a scene, he or she needs to be aware that the object of their attentions is still another human beings with normal physical limitations. This goes for RACK scenes as well. Even though risky and exciting situations can be fun the top must always be mentally aware of the potential danger they are putting the other person in, even though they have full consent. Why do I put it all on the Top? Because simply put when a submissive allows them to be put in a situation like that they literally are trusting you with their life, health and mental wellbeing. For those that understand this goes without saying but when a bottom gets into what we call subspace their thinking is altered. The lines between pain and pleasure blur, danger becomes some abject thing that does not really exist, previously discussed limits become flexible. In other words, they are extremely vulnerable and could be easily manipulated. If those boundaries are broken, the limit pushed past, lines of consent ignored they may seem to enjoy it at the time but once it is all said and done there will be damage to deal with. After any scene they will crash and need to be comforted, then they will begin to process what they experienced, if all went well and according to the preset negotiation then they will be happy and content. If not, they will feel guilty, angry, betrayed and lash out in some manner, from angry words to legal action against the person who they allowed to be in control of them.

Yes, I know I got a little off topic it seems but for me the ultimate sexual satisfaction for me is what I would call a perfect scene. One where every party enjoyed, we connected mentally as well as physically, even if what is typically perceived as sexual actions never occurred. Clothing does not have to come off, though yes, I do enjoy that as well. It is the satisfaction of a scene well done. That is how sexual satisfaction in BDSM works for me.

come see who else is being wicked this week

”Wicked
 

10 thoughts on “BDSM and limits”

  1. I really agree about the satisfaction of a “scene” well done. When I first got involved in BDSM I loved that aspect to it and looking back after and seeing it play through – Often it would play thru almost perfectly but of course that is never going to happen every time – however I still remember those that did and enjoy them in my head years later
    May 😉

  2. Such a great and informational post, which many should read. I agree, a scene doesn’t have to be sexual to give sexual satisfaction, as a scene well done can be just as exciting as actual sex. Thank you so much for sharing this, and I would love to read more about scenes you had in the past, and how they played out, or about negotiations you have done with people and decided not to play and why. I am always interested in reading more 🙂
    ~ Marie xox

    1. I never really thought much about writing about the scenes I decided to not participate in. Honestly it might be a good idea. I have several different things that made me walk away from different people. I think starting with a blog on my how I negotiate a scene.

  3. I really like you include that even a CNC or RACK scene, there must be a safeword. There are many who think this isn’t the case. I remember reading about a girl who said she had no limits, and the Dom asked “so you would be ok if I shaved your head?” To which she said “no way.” He then pointed out “then you have limits. Come back when you know them.”

    Great post Raven,

    Take care,

    Sweet ☺

    1. That you for stopping by.
      I like how that Dom approached the situation and he is totally correct. It is infuriating when you are told someone has no limits and when you start digging their limit is actually something you want.
      As for safe words, I have been known to deliberately push to force someone to use theirs. Mostly if a different limit than someone would think, that way I’m insured when they get to their limit in a hard scene they would use it

  4. I completely agree with the points you made here: you cannot have no limits, there can be no alcohol or drugs around BDSM play and consent, in all circumstances, has to be discussed before starting the scene. That last one applies to me specifically, since, if you’re passed a certain point during play, I will accept everything, without any regard for my self-being.

    Very important points, great post 😊

    1. Thank you, I think it is very important for anyone in the BDSM scene to remember the need.to remember that even though the bottom says it’s good now, if it wasn’t part of what was discussed before hand it’s not a line to cross
      Thank you for stopping by

  5. The post was really informative for those who aren’t as involved in BDSM but also a good reminder for those who are. Often consent and limits can be things which are overlooked but they are so important. I totally agree with you that it is more about the connection than it is about the act itself. For me that is just the vehicle. I thought this line was such a good way of explaining what can happen, “ The lines between pain and pleasure blur, danger becomes some abject thing that does not really exist, previously discussed limits become flexible.” missy x

    1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on my post. It’s odd how many times even I tend to forget about that last part till I force myself to stop and think. Hey it’s all fun and my partner is enjoying, even begging or goading for more.

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