Kink, SSC, and RACK

In the BDSM world there and many terms and acronyms tossed around, most are self-explanatory. A few are so engrained that they are used with an expectation they are understood even though many outsiders or new people have no idea what the terms really mean. I would like to briefly share my thoughts and ideas on a few of these here. I might go into more detail later but for now here are the broad strokes.

Kink is one of my favorites, at first blush it known to be a sexual thing, but what exactly is kink, or kinky? By definition kink, when applied to a person, is a quirk of character or behavior, a person’s unusual sexual preference. As clear as that sounds it is still rather vague, after all who is to say what is normal or acceptable? It is also easy to get kink and taboo confused. Taboo is something prohibited or restricted by social custom. Not all kink is taboo, and not all taboo is kink though some people would judge other people’s kink as taboo.  Yeah, it gets confusing and can often be seen in many ways, often it depends on how open minded the person is and what the standard of the society there were raised in. In my personally dating past I have had a partner who thought having the lights on was kinky, others have had varying expectations and ideas of what kink was. With so many possible variations communication is the only way to assure you are on the same page with a partner.

In my opinion you should be able to openly communicate with the person you wish to engage with. I get it, sometimes it feels odd or silly explaining what you want or feel. I can assure you it is even worse having a relationship fall apart because you both wanted the same thing but were to afraid to talk about desires. Find a way to make yourself comfortable asking for what you want, practice at the mirror, with a pillow or stuffed animal. It is not always easy to open up, there is that feeling of being exposed when asking for something desired. The fear of rejection or judgment often inhibit the ability to directly ask for what is wanted. The struggle of should we just try and make it happen and hope for the best to just go without till hopefully the partner leads the interaction in that direction. I have found it goes much smoother when you just talk about what you want and desire, then see if you both are a match. The other two options leave it open for a growing resentment and eventual dissolvement of any kind of relationship.

Next there is SSC, with stands for safe, sane and consensual. Each word sounds self-clarifying but what does it mean in the world of kink and in particular, BDSM? Safe is following an acceptable play style that is not meant to bring harm. Light and breakaway bondage, easy off blindfolds and things of that sort, it often comes with a level of trust. Sane is the implication that both parties are in their right mind. They have no issue or reservation with the planned and discussed elements of a scene and all involved are of a sober mind. Finally, there is consensual, with all parties being engaged willingly and without being coerced in some way. It sounds simple enough at first glance, but how are you sure it falls into all categories? Safe requires being educated on the scene being performed, knowing what truly is safe both physically, mentally and psychology for all involved. Past abuse and fear could come into play here, a fear of the dark would make a blindfold a poor choice in some cases. This is where open and honest communication come into play. It could happen that because of the trust level a blindfold would be acceptable despite the normal fear of the dark. The same applies with sane here, sanity in a scene is what the parties agree upon, what limits are there and the trust they will not be violated. That last flowing into the consensual part, everything being agreed to before hand without a sudden change of plan during the scene unless it is to stop the scene. There would be no badgering or pressure to do something new or different.  SSC is often considered the basis of all BDSM scenes, there should be some degree of the SSC model involved.

RACK or risk assessed consensual kink, is what I feel most represents my personal style. It requires open communication and trust, secrets or hidden feelings in this type of play can lead to harm for one or more of the people involved. Most kinky activities involve a degree of risk, from spanking that could form a bruise with a remote possibility of becoming a blood clot to edge play that if performed without properly being educated can lead to permanent injury or even death. Most scenes are not the extreme level, though there could be parts that fall into the category with varying degrees of risk. From wax play that could cause burns to breath play, blade play, bondage, each with their own levels from mild to the extreme styles of play. Most people I know would say RACK is just for the hard or heavy players and I agree for the most part. I am also consciously aware that every form of kink play has a risk, it is just knowing what the risks are. If I am thinking about performing a certain type of risky play to be aware of all that could go wrong and making sure my partner is aware as well. Education is key in RACK play to keep all parties safe.

I said will kept this brief and just touched the highlights of what I thought about each. If you would like to share your ideas or comments, I would appreciate that very much. Thank you for taking the time to stop by and read what I have to say.

My Negotiation in BDSM

Negotiation in a BDSM scene is something I have been asked about several times. How do I do it? How does it work? What would it look like? I would love to say here you go, this is the formula for a successful negotiation and just remember to follow each step without deviation. It would be neat and easy, just bring a list of expectations and say this is what you must do. If I did that when I negotiated it would be quick fast and easy; as they ran away, probably screaming.


By personal admission I am a Sadist, Top, Dominant, bisexual, polyamorous male. I do enjoy what would be considered vanilla sexual interaction as well. That being said, where I think the negotiation first begins is with attraction. If the attraction is not mutual then nothing would happen anyway so walk away. As the saying goes, there is no use in beating a dead horse.
Next there would be a flirting and getting to know the person phase, we talk and see if we share similar likes and dislikes. A joke or saying here and there to see how the other person reacts. Eventually this can build into more daring and suggestive comments. At this point I determine are we just friends, sexy friends who can have risqué discussions or something more.
Once that threshold of something more is crossed It is time for more personal digging and discussion. Up to this point is looks like typical every day personal interactions evolving into a romantic relationship many people have. Now that that line has been crossed and it is apparent that we can be something more I seek a more private and personal interaction with the person I am interested in.
The one on one comes in various forms, from text to face to face meetings. At this juncture I ask point blank if they have other relationships, not that I mind, I just do not want to be blindsided by a jealous lover. In the same token I would let them know have a primary relationship and have no interest in replacing my primary partner. My primary partner has already been informed about the new person of interest and we have talked about the new person in some depth. At this phase I also discuss in greater depth the likes and dislikes of the person I am interested in as well as sharing my own thoughts and ideas. This is the point most people would consider the negotiation to begin, for me this has all lead up to a point where is an established base to continue from. This of course does not apply to a one-night stand or chance meeting encounter, for the most part those are rare and not the kind of dealings that are generally part of my desired interaction.
Now we have arrived at the part many think of when talking about the negotiation process. The open communication about likes, dislikes, curiosities and desires all spun around till a type of scene or relationship can be agreed on. It is a process that can go quickly or take months or longer to come to a agreed on plan.
What do you like? This question is an open-ended exploration of the other person. The answers range from an extremely specific type of engagement to I do not know, I just want to see what is out there to learn. If they know exactly what they want, and you are comfortable with it then congratulations and move to the planning phase, most often that is not the case. Then I start asking about what I like to see if there is a match. Often I will ask what do you think about (insert type of activity). I expect the yes, no or I am not sure about that, if they still are vague or say I want to try everything I get rather snarky. Everything is a huge list, from as soft and easy as petting, to hard core and full contact forced play. As I tend to be into heavy type play I say I would like to just (fill in the blank at the moment) Normally it is something on the extreme line and often they do a knee jerk oh hell no, that is not what I want to have done. If they still do not know after I have explained a few things I like, then I just walk away. I do not mind teaching or helping someone explore their boundaries but there must be a starting point.
Once there is an established set of boundaries then we set a time and place for a scene. Enjoy as many times as you both wish. Negotiation is knowing what you want and finding someone who wants the same or similar things. It can seem intimidating the first few times but after finding your own style it gets easier. Just remember, if you do not have the same likes then it probably will end in disaster. Also, if they want something you are not comfortable with then express that too, if the other person is insistent you must do or try it then excuse yourself and walk away. It is not worth putting yourself in a situation that you will regret later just to please someone new. Things can change over time as trust builds so negotiation is not just a one time thing but an ongoing process.

Never Surrender

I am pleased there is a pride month, that is wonderful and amazing. Yesterday I watched the Queen Adam Lambert Story. It really hit home as they talked about Freddie and thought it was not the main point it reminded me of the struggles the LGBT community has and, in many places, still goes through. The things we have endured to be able to publicly come together have been bittersweet victories. The lives lost and destroyed along the way were crushing soul felt blows. Safety was in our hands as we wore whistles or sound making devices just in case some group of “gay bashers” showed up and targeted us. We had to always be on our guard, careful who we told and knew we were bi or gay. It’s the 90’s in the land of BBQ, rock-in-roll and river side fun. The hand full of openly gay clubs were shut down by either police raids for acts of lude behavior or acts of violence that drove patrons away. Firebombs burned a few to the ground and parking lot beatings were not uncommon, after all we were “asking for it” by expressing our desire to openly be who we were.

Most everyone in the community was scared back then, the few that were out and open were always in danger. It was the early days of don’t ask, don’t tell for the military, a huge victory since before that anyone caught engaging in any form of homosexual behavior was kicked out of the service. Back then we did not have the LGBT movement, no laws remotely protecting us against discrimination. For those who reported being assaulted it often meant being branded or targeted. What we now call hate crimes were joked about, the victim often the “punch line” to be made fun of. That what they deserve for being deviants. Gays, bisexuals and Transgender people were grouped in with rapists and pedophiles, all equally sexually deviant according to the general public view at the time.

Back then, I was one of the loud and proud, with my multi-colored rat tail and bright colored underwear under white scrubs. I did not care what people thought and said about me behind my back, I dared them to say it too my face. Flamboyant and ostentatious were often used to describe me, I had an amazing primary male lover in my life and a couple female lovers too. It was a rolling party and the world was my oyster. I was bisexual and proud, open minded and in an open relationship; I was living the dream. Things changed and the dream turned to a nightmare, the jarring cold reality of life slapped me in the face as that relationship ended abruptly. Still loud and proud I looked for places to meet more like myself. Straight bars were good if I was looking for a woman, scoping guys was dangerous there. Gay bars, well that goes without saying except I was still too naive or stupid to hide the fact I was bi, but that is a different story for a different time.

The days of the internet had just started. Chat rooms were coming around and we had a place for anonymity and freedom. Finally, the freedom to talk about what we felt and our personal experiences. Ultimately, a place we could meet and talk about things that we wanted, there was an energy to it, a beginning of a movement. I don’t really remember when I first heard the term LGBT but it had arrived. It was still a turbulent time for anyone in the LGBT community. There were some people trying to find out who the gay or bi people were in the chat rooms. There were a few who would pose as gay or bi, “befriending” people and offering to get together for drinks. It was the new age and style of “gay bashing” as several were people were meeting up hoping to connect with an online “friend” only to be beaten or killed just for being who they were.

I had gone underground, or back in the closet, whatever you wish to call it. I had got married and had a couple kids and played the good American strait male. Not bashing but just a family man in a deep backwards southern town. I felt shame, not for being bi but for running away, I felt I had too much to lose to be engaged in the LGBT movement. It was not till two decades and two failed marriages later that I had another relationship that rekindled my bi side. I had met another like me, coy comments and double meaning phrases were passed between us before on night we found ourselves in a position we were able to take a chance and talk about the tension between us. I could say it was like coming up for air, but really it was like waking up again. Things I held back were finally able to be revisited and openly talked about. I rediscovered the LGBT community in my local area, it took a while for me to make any real connection and I do not fault them. There still are some people that want to hurt us for being open about our sexuality.

Looking back, I have great respect for those who stayed the course and kept in the fight. From Freddie who was center stage, my best friend who was able to be married in Washington DC several years ago to his wonderful partner, to the ones that attend the Pride Parades in whatever city they go to. I still stand by the thinking you do life your way and I will do it my way. I stand with pride alongside my LGBT family as we fight for our rights to be free to live without fear. I have found my voice again and am a loud and proud bi male who will never back down or surrender.

Check out who else is sharing for this #wickedwednesday

”Wicked

Beast and Sheep

Before you plunge into reading this you should be warned it is raw, emotional and could trigger some. There you have been duly warned…

God are you fucking kidding me, it is total bullshit feeling like this. Fucking piece of shit society tells me what rages in my mind and blood is wrong. Genetics, evolution, whatever the fuck it is; the real question is why is it? Sure I can fit in, play chameleon or try to cut out the most powerful part of me. Blending only works so well for so long. Always that itch, the scratching in the back of my head. Fucking hell it’s like trying to run from death, being a part of the wolf pack being haunted by what is my nature. You either get it or you don’t.

Lick the blade and feel that sharp edge craving a taste of blood. Clip it to the hip and walk out into the world. Prey everywhere, flesh flashing like a never-ending parade all but begging to be hunted. The beast kicking the cage as tits and ass flash. That scent of the bitches in heat like a drug fires up the carnal carnival need. Screaming inside while calm and cool outside, the mind racing, resolve bracing against the beast that slams against the door over and over again. Now I scream inside, not for a lack of want but for a need to be hidden in the mass of sheep. A blood thirst wolf can only be kept starved for so long before it rips the throat from its prey. Feeding as the flock looks on in horror.

Monster they scream, beast that should be locked away or destroyed. FUCK YOU! Deny what you are inside, a land of mentally castrated predators. Ignore that itch, turn away as you feel the twitch. COWARD! PUSSY! FUCKING BALLLESS SHEEP! I tried, the gods know I’ve tried. Repression, ignoring, hiding it deep inside behind a mask of the socially acceptable smile. Hell cannot be walled up, fate will prevail and roll over the land in a wave. A metropolis of blood washed streets filled with screams. Flesh is a fleeting thing, mere food for the worms that wait with hungry maws craving more and more. Death is such a hollow thing, it is the fear, agony and pain that give true flavor to life. Being a master of them, to bring each in full furry is a god power. Oh the desire to walk as a god amongst the mass of fearful sheep. To devour what is there to take. It is not simple to maintain the level, to hold the power, It is pure force of will and the ability to command it. No more anxiety holding back for the so called social norms.

For thousands of years life has been a primal struggle. Fang, flesh and blood splattering the world in a crimson paint that is far more pure than this anemic pathetic existence. An existence that is now held in some desperate need to seem normal, slave to the system we created. Slave to a piece of paper that is giving an arbitrary value. For that people are made into a cogs to work the vast machine of socially acceptable work. Once broken  they are tossed aside and forgotten. Life is nothing more than a farce now. Mental health is from the lack of struggle and pain. WAKE UP! Madness you say? I dare you to sit in a wall of isolated “normalcy” existing to only repeat the same task the next day. Safe with no struggle, just day after day in that routine. That is madness.

Sickness has crept in and infected this society. Safety to the point we have shattered our purpose. Freedom and adventure traded for security. Anarchy whispered like a bad word, no sheep, it is the purest form of reality. Safety and control are an illusion you pathetic Eloi. The dark scares you because you have lost your purpose. The darkness is home and a place of serenity for me. Only when the animal side is loose do I truly feel alive. No regret, no apologies for doing what is natural.

The only way to stop this is to stop the beating of this feral heart. Dare you to try, come and see if you can. Feel the rush, touch the edge of godhood, if you have the fortitude. Once a taste had touch the lips it becomes a craving, the beast is awakened.

Crazy? Hardly, just an awakening to the reality of the primal nature. The flesh is there for the thrill of the hunt. The hunt fuel for the beast that needs to feed.

Life’s Pause

This week the topic was pause and I thought it was quite fitting for my life today. By definition a pause is a temporary stop in action or speech.

I hope it is just temporary, after all this was defiantly not on the list of how things were supposed to go. Without going into details on what has transpired it suffices to say interests have been shuffled around. Activities and events once participated in currently have been put on hold. It is no one’s fault, there is no blame to be placed. It is just life and the most insane timing in a series of events that has set every part of our world back on its heels.  It was not just us either, I was hearing story after story amongst our blogging friends, some so catastrophic I wondered how they were holding it together in the waves of chaos.

For everything there is supposed to be a season and a reason, or so that is what is said. Honestly I do care to know the reason, I just want the season to be over, for us to get back to the life we had and enjoyed. I know the reality, so much has happened and changed returning to how things were is impossible. Alas it is still human nature to look back to what we were comfortable with and wish life was like it was. Life is about change for sure, sometimes it seems that only through pain and destruction will we accept the changes. It is forced upon us as we fight tooth and nail till we are exhausted and succumb to how things are.

There is a personal struggle as well for me, two sides always battling, always at odds when facing issues. Do I go into military mode and scream damage control? Toss the broken parts out and attempt to cobble some facsimile of what used to work? Replace damaged items with new once we have weathered the storm and reached a safe port?  Next to expect the repairs to to make everything good as new, it seems preposterous and idea that things would go on the same. I seriously doubt this would work because then it ignores the history and scars that have shaped us. Honestly it has felt more like a siege for a couple years. Flaming boulders being lobbed over the walls of our inner circle. Outside forces we couldn’t control or predict having an extreme impact in our lives. Now that is more like it, the debris and burned walls that has been left behind. The concerns, fears, real emotional and physical pain that ripped through our world. It still hasn’t ended but it has lessened some, it went from external to internal. Nothing will ever be quite the same, I would be naive to ever think that, rather now it is a time for rebuilding, reshaping, remodeling. This is the part of life that we can use it to make us better and stronger.

I know, right now you’re thinking damn Raven, this isn’t sexy, this isn’t even fun stuff. No it is not, but it is honest life in all its raw reality.  In the depths of it all it has caused, or at least I have allowed myself, to draw on the deepest darkest places of my mind and soul for what has been a series of mental distractions. I hadn’t stopped writing, but rather I had stopped sharing. Why? Because it has been down abysmal dark lines that had become a twisted comfort. To know that could be a level of pain and horror deeper. That is where my muse has been digging, churning and bringing up depraved and what most would call vile and degenerate thoughts. I have wrestled with the thoughts if I should even share these stories. It would most assuredly make many people uncomfortable, trigger others, excite and thrill and unknown part of my readers. It would be a trip down a dark branch of the rabbit trails my mind runs along, where fear, chaos, torment and pain live. The predators and prey come alive, the bad guys win, there are no heroes, and no one saves the day. I had toyed with writing dark erotic/sex based horror in the past, but as event from the outer world unfolded the ideas that fueled the horror became an obsession and a release.

So I’ll just wrap up this long winded woe is me post with saying this, I started this blog unsure of where I was planning of taking it, what I was going to do with it. As life changes so do we and our view of others. I think it is time to let the colors fly and share what has become my obsession for some time. Enjoy, or not, that is your choice. I really hope in part it makes people feel and think, like any other good author would. After a pause for the past few years, it is time to come out of the corner once again.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked